pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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