Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
