hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
