Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
