Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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