i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
