The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
