so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
