too bad you live with your parents still
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize