I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
she told me i tasted like america
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
So vagazzling was a success
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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