Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
