My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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