all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
