I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
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I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
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Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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