btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
