At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
