I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
