woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
