I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
