Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
