So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
