Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
