Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
