4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
