Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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