I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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