Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
