I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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