Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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