I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
