omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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