I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My penis needs a shock collar
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Randomize
