Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
