Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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