I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
