My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
