So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
