So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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