Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
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