just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
