I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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