Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
