i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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