Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
