is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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