So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
