Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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