Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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