I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
my shit smells like andre
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
