Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
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The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
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Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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