well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
