Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
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you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
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Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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