tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
