I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
