u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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