Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I need a beard to bite.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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