Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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